Don't have to worry about troublesome, pointless political elections? Already run the show, or expect to soon*? Get your hands on the Monarch, the only mustache that says "I'm old-fashioned, and you'll be summarily executed if that bothers you."
*Whisker Works does not endorse accelerating the dignified, murderless process of royal succession.
Mustache on a Stick
8" wooden dowel
6" steel rod